Well...obviously, the world didn't end. And I didn't think it would.

But despite that, I went through a lot of emotions and thoughts on Friday and Saturday.

A part of me was totally ready to go to heaven and leave this world behind. I wrote a little about that on Friday.

But another part began to think of all that I could have done and all I could do if I still had a little more time. I wanted to be able to give more of me and my life away than I had. I wanted to serve in ways I never had. I wanted to not care about what would happen to me and instead focus on what's best for the kingdom of God.

It also reminded me that God really is in control. A song I listened to on Friday was "The Lord Reigns" and it struck me that God really is in charge, which is why I trust Him to take me to heaven when the time comes and why I believe His promises. The Lord really does reign and I really can rely on that and lean into that promise during the tough and uncertain times in my life.

And it reminded me that the world really will end at some point. No, it wasn't yesterday, but it will be one day. And because of that, I should not waste what days I have been given. God deserves them and deserves all of me. I don't know exactly what that looks like. I don't think I have ever seen total surrender in an intimate way. And although I believe and have surrendered some of me, or even most of me, I still keep parts to myself. I still entertain my own desires. I still want my own future. I rely on my own knowledge. I base my worth on my perception of me. There's still a lot of "me" and "I" in my world. There's still a lot not surrendered. And I want to be surrendered, willing, and eager even, to lose everything I want at the drop of a hat for everything that He wants.

God, show me what that looks like. Because I just don't know. But I want it, not because I "should" or because it's "right", but because I'm exchanging me for you, my world for the bigger picture, my purposes (no matter how good they may seem) for the ones You have planned. I want it, and yet I don't know how to get it. I don't think I can do it by myself, though. I think it's You doing it in me. So do it in me and don't let me be stubborn or overly reasonable. Let me be a stream that You direct as You please and a piece of clay that You shape into what You want. I don't want to interfere with the process because I tend to mess it up. I know You want me to have a part in it, however, so show me what my role looks like and give me the strength to do it. Correct me when I'm wrong because I know I will be wrong a lot of the time. Revitalize me and rejuvinate me. Exchange the old for the new and remake me every moment of every day. It's only by Your power I can even pray this with meaning and only by Your strength that I can act on it. So fill me with Your Spirit and send me to do Your work in the world You have created and that will be around for at least another day. I love You. In Jesus' name. Amen.