I Search For You On The Horizon

It is funny.. I have one dream and that is to move to malta to walk with a friend who reads the bible to me.. and no matter how hard I try I cannot bring my eyes to read about god myself.. it is as she is the only one I can hear... anyone else there is a wall up.. I wonder if I will ever be able to afford to go to malta...

You can start with the verse John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world (that means He loved you) that He gave his one and only son (His CHILD!) that whoever believes in him (believes that Jesus came and died for your sins and I'm assuming you know about sins if the Bible has been read to you...if you don't, read Deuteronomy 5, if you have messed up one of those ever, you are on your way to Hell, we can talk more about that if you want) will not perish (go to Hell) but have eternal lfe (life in the most joyous and fulfilling place ever...even better than Malta). If you're not interested, then you have missed out on the greates (and one of the hardest) things ever offered to you.

see I don't think anything of having is worth having if it came quickly.. faith is a journey that can take a lifetime to figure out.. I have read the bible.. gone to church and I find more god in the song of a sparrow than anything I have ever found in a church... see what you missed is the only person I can hear is the soft voice of a friend in malta.. that doesn't mean I am bad.. it does not mean I am going to hell.. it means I have a journey I must undergo to reach understanding... see you can't make god a yes or no answer because life is not yes or no...that is why the church loses more and more people..it is a journey.. I thank you for your kindness by my god loves me even when I cannot hear him... I shall not be one of those people who says he believes in something and then goes off and does the same thing.. just like the love between a man and woman takes time so does the love between a man and his god.

Yes, it takes time, it most definitely takes time, but you've gotta start somewhere and sometime, like a boy asking a girl out. Also, God is a God of yes and no. And there is no "your God, my God", there is one God, and He is found in the Bible, yes in nature, also (Psalm 19), bu He is found first and foremost in the Bible, where His Plan and His Story is laid out for us to see. Are you a Christian?

I agree but getting to the yes... is a journey of ups and downs.. it is like climbing a mountain.. for it to be real you cannot take a helicopter to get there.. you have to climb, fall, scrape your knee...see heather it does start somewhere and for me that mountain begins in a place on the other side of the world... sitting with the girl who danced with me as a friend and sang of god to me beneath a rainbow.. it started with a friend who has heard of my demons.. has seen my sin and still sees the good in me...

I can't call myself christian... I am not ready for that... it is too easy to say something like that...perhaps someday I shall be ready...truth is I love god for the joy he has given those I know who have that faith but I still hate god for making me...to be honest...

but thanks for your kind words..:) I know you are right.. just not at the top of he mountain yet..but I will find my way across the ocean.. I will find my way to my friend so I might begin to climb that mountain...I have that much faith..

You hate God for making you. Huh. Sounds like me. You see, I go through times of depression, where I hate myself, hate that I was ever created, and think that I was a mistake. Those have gotten way fewer and way less severe in recent years, but the fact is, I have been there. I know what's it's like to look at other people and wish and beg God to stop cursing me and start treating me like He treats all of the other Christians. I longed for their contentment and joy. And I also thought that I wasn't ever going to get it because I wasn't loved by Him because I was just a mess-up.

So, (and I know this is going to sound kind of stereotypical, but God doesn't work with some magical fomulas, it's similar for every person) God one day just told me (obviously, He didn't talk to me with a voice, it was kind of felt) to stop thinking of myself like that, and that He loves me with a love that I will never comprehend.

This is my full testimony cncerning that:

I was born on October 22, 1991. My parents weren’t married whn I was born, but they did get married soon after. Then my brother was born. When I was 4, they split apart, later divorcing. So I have practically spent my whole life without a stable two parent home. When they split up, I kinda knew what was going on, even though I was 4 because have always been a very conscious baby, aware of m surroundings and myself a little too much. This led to over-criticizing myself and thinking I wasn’t worth being anyone’s friend. I became very isolated, only hanging with my family, which included my younger brother and my mom and dad. Because life was always stressful and my mom never had anyone else to talk to, I was always in the know about my family’s problems, so even at a young age, I was very aware of the world’s injustices and trials. This led to depression, which only got worse over ime and by fourth grade, I wanted to commit suicide. Also, in fourth grade, my mom started going to church, and my dad started dating the person who would later becme my step-mom.

Well, nothing really changed through elementary school. I survived by the minimal support I got from my church and family. When it was time to sign up for classes in middle school, I had narrowed my choices down to two classes. I honestly think God was there that day helping my choose my class, because if I had chosen the other one, I think I would never have made it through middle school. The class I eventually chose was band, which had, coincidentally, a Christian for the teacher. Music really helped me through middle school, and I was really excited to start high school.

Well, when you’re in high school with no friends, and you’re a musician, certain things start to come into your life that aren’t positive. Peer pressure eventually led me to drinking my freshman year of high school. I would love to say I learned my lesson immedialtely and never thought about doing it again, but that just wasn’t the case. I never actually drank or did anthing else again, but I sure planned for it. One of my “friends” (and I put it in quotations because I look back and she wasn’t really a friend) invited me to a party where the plan was to go to the roller rink on Friday for a while, then to the party, then spend Saturday recovering and go to church on Sunday. How ironic is that? Well, that day at the roller rink, I did something that at the time, I considered stupid, but I look back and I know God was watching out for me. I deleted the number of our ride to the party from my phone. So we were at the roller rink with no ride to what was supposed to be the most exciting night of my life and it was all my fault. I started thinking and I realized where I was and what I was doing. I realized that I was making a decision that night that would affect the rest of my life. Did I really want this for my life? Did I honestly want to end up a druggie and an alcoholic with no life and no plan for my future? I decided to say no and I called my mom. She came and picked me and my friend up and take us to her house, but understandably, I wanted to go home. After that night, I was deemed uncool and all my “friends” stopped hanging out with me. So I was back where I had been when I started high schol almost a year before.

Then something else happened that changed my life again. Right after the beginning of my Sophomore year, Mason, one of my best friends now, invited my brother to Pathway. I am so incredibly grateful he did. I can’t even express how thankful and grateful I am. I started going with the Dills to church on Wednesday nights. I was just cruising through life at this point, it was going okay, but I was still struggling with depression and feeling isolated and all alone with what I was feeling.

The summer between my Sophomore ad Junior years was the hardest summer ever. I fought through the darkest nights and the dimmest days. I honestly think the thing Harvey Dent says in The Dark Knight is so true “The night is darkest before the dawn, and the dawn is coming soon.” Well, I started Junior year knowing something needed to change.

I went to the Revolve Tour on October 20, 2007 and got a newer, more complete glimpse of God and His love than ever before. I can’t even explain it, and there is no way words could do it justice. I came back from that day changed forever. They say depression doesn’t just go away, but I believe in some cases it does, and in mine, it did. God told me that day that He is always there, that I am not the only one going through what I going through, and that He is the Father that I have been seeking and needing. Everything negative and hurtful I had ever told myself and others had told me was gone in one day, and what was left was something I don’t think any drug on earth could make you feel. But here was still some aprehension.

I saw God and realized He could handle the truly big things, but I didn;t know how He could step in for my father on the not-so-serious things. I always loved the song “Butterfly Kisses” and I was thinking about it and thinking how God can’t be there like a real father can be. I asked Him to do something really insane and put a white flower in my hair to prove He could be there, really there. Well, He came through, and on a day I wasn’t at all expecting. (Is anyone surprised?) During my birthday party on October 28, I was given a present from one of my friends that sn’t wrapped, but it was tied and on the top was a white flower. I didn’t think anything of it and just opened the present. When I had moved on to the next one, my friend took the flower off the present and put it in my hair. I nearly broke down right there and knew God was there, watching and celebrating with me.

I made a few decisions soon after that, like qutting music, much to the shock of my friends and family and I still get questions about it now. I quit because God told me I didn’t need it anymore to survive. So I trusted Him and took the plunge. I let go of my only lifeline, my music.

I went on a Mission Trip and worked with the truly poor. I lived life like I was a new person, like God wants you to live life, and I try to continue it today.

Last summer, the summer after Junior year, was so different from the summer before that I can scarcely believe I was like that. I was baptized on June 15, I hung out with friends, true friends from my church, all summer, and I had a blast. Now I am a Senior and I can’t wait for what the year holds. There is so much I am leaving out and if you know me well, you know what I’m leaving out for the sake of the people reading this.