I Search For You On The Horizon

Whatever You're Doing...

Over the past three months, I have listened to this song over and over and over again. And this past week, I hae found more truth in it's words.

Life is not easy. Everyone knows that, but only experience allows someone to understand it. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes blissful, and sometimes so confusing that I don't have the words to describe it. But in the core of me, I have felt a calmness, like te eye of a storm. In the eye of a storm, every sight around you is storm, but somehow, there is this little patch of blue sky and calm. That peace is in the center of my soul despite the storm of emotions surrounding it. In fact, if it weren't for the eye, the storm wouldn't have anything to center on; there would be no purpose to it's spinning madness. It would go every which way and eventually blow against itself, destroying itself. I know the storm will eventually end. I know my life has a blue sky because I can look to the center of it and see the Light shining through, the Light of the world, the only eternal Thing, the Way, the Truth, the Life, the I Am, and I could go on and on. But I know of hope and I see it, so I will wait for it to become more than that. Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

As you read the lyrics, pay attention to the chorus because it changes a lot.

"Whatever You're Doing"
by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing
Time to move on
It's time to fix
What's been broken too long
Time to make right
What has been wrong
It's time to find my way
To where I belong

There's a wave that's
Crashing over me
And all I can do
Is surrender

Whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender
To what I can't see
But I'm giving into
Something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate
Who I really am
Am I doing everything
To follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly
Over these hills

So show me what it is You
Want from me
I give everything
I surrender!

To whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But somehow there's peace
And though it's hard to surrender
To what I can't see
I'm giving into
Something heavenly
Something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let
Everything out
That I've wanted to say
For so many years
Time to release
All my held back tears

Whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But I believe
You're up to something
Bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly

Whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But now I can see
This is something
Bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let
Everything out

"Lay Down My Pride" by Jeremy Camp

I am probably not going to be posting many blogs in the next few weeks/months. I don't know how long it will be between blogs, but they definitely won't be every day for quite some time. I'm not going to go into details, but this is a song that I heard today that kind of touches a little bit on what is going on right now.

"Lay Down My Pride"
Jeremy Camp

Every single word I say
You know it before I speak
You know every thought
The deepest part of me

You draw me close and then I see
Your presence is everything I need
To be the child that You've
Created me to be
Ready now to see it Your way

Lay down my pride
My desires, my demise
Ready now to see it Your way
'Cause I'm done, I'm through
Ignoring You, now it's true
I'm kneeling at the Cross of Your Grace
Lay down my pride

I was faced with passing time
But I knew the choice was mine
To finally come to You
And give You all control

I wandered miles to find my way
And then You revealed this simple thing
I know that You can see
The secrets of my soul

Lay down my pride
My desires, my demise
Ready now to see it Your way
'Cause I'm done, I'm through
Ignoring You, now it's true
I'm kneeling at the Cross of Your Grace

Lay down my pride
My desires, my demise
Ready now to see it Your way
'Cause I'm done, I'm through
Ignoring You, now it's true
I'm kneeling at the Cross of Your Grace
Lay down my pride

The Cross, the blood You shed for me
Your back was ripped and bruised
So I can know Your Love
I kneel, I bow to You, my King

Lay down my pride
My desires, my demise
Ready now to see it Your way
'Cause I'm done, I'm through
Ignoring You, now it's true
I'm kneeling at the Cross of Your Grace

Lay down my pride
My desires, my demise
Ready now to see it Your way
'Cause I'm done, I'm through
Ignoring You, now it's true
I'm kneeling at the Cross of Your Grace
Lay down my pride

Cake Decorating Days 1, 2, and 3

This has been an interesting weekend/week so far because of cake decorating. I have already gotten 12 hours out of 20 done and I didn't realize this was going to be so time-consuming! It's so fun that I want to do a cake all the time, but there's no way I could because of time and the fact that my family doesn't eat cake that quickly. So every few days will have to suffice.

Day 1 (2/14/09) - Mostly, I learnd about the very basics of cake decorating while watching Sherry make a cake for her dad and grandfather's birthdays. I learned about stars, following directions, and basic hints and tips that come with practice. Everything seems easier when you watch it, as I learned when I decided to make one Sunday after going shopping for what I needed.

Day 2 (2/15/09) - Wal-Mart is a brilliant place to get cake things and I have found everything I need there. Anyway, I made my first cake and it was horrible. The icing had too much powdered sugar, I was having trouble getting anything to look right, and the cake itself was very short because I didn't plan right. Luckily, it was still edible and even tasted good.

Day 3 (2/17/09) - This was a much better cake. I experimented on the cake batter itself and substituted an egg for 1/4 cup of water, which made it very delicious, but harder to work with. It wasn't impossible to work with, just difficult, so it would be good if I cared more about taste than look. I am already getting better at spreading icing, and I made the icing with the right consistency and feeling. It was light and fluffy and delicious. I was really happy about how it turned out. I tried using a drop flower tip with adequate results and I am continuing to get better at using the star tip. The stars are looking more even and uniform. The cake itself was very simple and could be used for someone's birthday if they chose. And it tastes marvelous!

Overall, I am seeing improvement, and although I'm nowhere near good at it, I am getting closer to good at it. I have been on 4 shopping trips and have spent about $60 on things so far, but I have enough to last me for a few weeks. I am getting sick of eating cake, though, and I have found a good way to gain weight if I so choose, lol.

William Jessup University Preview Day

Where to begin...where to begin...

I guess that the beginning would be the best place to start. I got there at 7:45am, and the first people I saw were some student guides and an admission counselor I immediately recognized from facebook named Dan Apgar. Funny thing is, he recognized me from facebook (I LOVE FACEBOOK!), too, which of course made me feel immedaitely welcome and comfortable...well, as much as someone can be on a campus where I am the small incoming student and almost everyone else is already in college.

From the beginning and the first people who talked to me, the question I was asked was "Where are you from?". This seems to be a big question around the college and every time someone asked it, my mom would say Fair Oaks and I would say Orangevale. Truthfully, our mailbox is in Fair Oaks, but our house is in Orangevale, so our mailing address is technically Fair Oaks...I'm really off topic...sorry.

Anyay, the first real activity outside of registration (where I got a cool name badge signifying my ranking as a prospective student, a portfolio with the day's information in it, and a cool t-shirt I later found out was deigned by none other than Mr. Dan Apgar himself) was the welcoming session. We got to meet the leader of Admissions (I forgot his name...) and Bryce Jessup, the current president of the university. I also got to hear about the day's events and what was going to happen. Bryce is a pretty cool guy who seems like he really cares about the students and the leader of Admissions seemed like a funny guy who is easy to get along with.

After the welcoming session was chapel. I didn't know we were going to go to a real chapel, so when I found out, I was really excited. The band, named Awaken, was awesome andthe few times I have been to the college before, the band has been one of the highlights of the event. This was no exception. Our speaker for the day was Tony Campolo, who is a professor at a university and who has done some other cool things. Google his name; I'm sure you'll find lots. He was...interesting. Very emotional and persuasive, but kind of predictable. He said some things I didn't fully agree with, which I knew would happen at a non-denominational university, which really feels like an inter-denominational one.

After chapel, we went on a campus tour, and I found out the campus is a lot smaller than I thought, which is preferable for me, so I wasn't about to complain. Small means I don't get lost. A few cool things about the campus were that the architecture was designed by the same guy who designed Disneyland's city (the place that is't in either park, it connects the two parks together) and that the buildings were made from the insides of an old set of warehouses. The whole thing is very interesting and unique and I really liked the layout. The dorms were cozy, nice, and places I could see myself living easily and comfortably. The prayer chapel is a really comfortable small room where anyone can go and relax and spend some time with God. I really liked the various styles of worship that the university tries to offer and how well they pull differences together.

After the tours, we went to some sample classes. I went to Abnormal Psychology, which was an okay class. The other class offered was Public Policy, however, so I was glad to get placed into the Psych class rather than that. We went over how you write up a list of symptoms in Psychology, including what to look for in a seriously ill patient, and what is not a warning sign of illness. The teacher (Prof. Bev Weins) seemed friendly and fun. During the time I was in the class, my mom went to do some sort of parent to parent panel.

After the class was lunch given to us by Bon Appetit. It consisted of a salad, garlic bread, and pasta with either red or pesto sauce, which was delicious. The Way, the university's vocal ensemble played while we ate and they sounded marvelous. A guy named Tom something and who works at WJU sat down next to us and we were able to have a good conversation with him. About this time, I began to realize that I didn't open a door the whole time I was there almost because people always opened them for everyone else. Let me tell you, the school is so friendly and you feel instantly welcome when you're on campus.

After lunch, I went to the student to student panel while my mom went to the parent to faculty panel. The students at the school are just as incredible as the people who work there and it's very obvious to see God moving in their lives. We were given a time to ask them any question and we did. All were informative and helpful. They described the school as a large family that welcomes everyone in and supports everyone who is there. The event coordinators work really hard to get all the new students involved in school activities and connected to what is going on in the school.

After that was the fair and Admissions and financial aid stuff, which was boring and dull, but needed to be listened to because the information is important. I learned a lot about being a transfer student from that time (which is what I am going to be), and about how and what to study in community college while I waited to be able to go to WJU.

Basically, the day solidified what I have been thinking about the college and I know that it is the place that God is leading me to. Now, I just have to put forth the effort to get myself there. I want to do extremely well in community college so I can get okay scholarships and not have to take out a large amount of student loans. I am not too worried about that, though, because "where there's His will, there's a way"!

Thank you, God!

I have been thinking a lot about how God works in people's lives and I am amazed. I wish I had a list of all the times He has done something or worked through someone to do something for me or worked through me for someone else, which is in some ways more humbling than when He does things for me through others. I love having specific times He has done stuff to remember when I am having trouble remembring His love. And these times remind me why I worship and adore Him like I do, and why there are times I'm in total shock and awe with nothing of worth to say to Him. I love the verse Psalm 46:10, where the first part is "Be still and know that I am God." I am so active sometimes, and then there are times I just want to be still. The most frustrating part is when I don't have the time to be still and that's all I want to be. That happens most at school, where I have classes to get to, work to do, and teachers to listen to, but they are the furthest thing from my mind. The problem is I can't concentrate on them, but because of them, I can't concentrate on God, so I get nothing out of those times. I sometimes wish there was a pause button or something, lol. But anyway, God is amazing and He should be praised for all His good works...I think that's in the Bible somewhere, I'm not sure, but it does sound familiar...

Musings on depression at 5am

Well, it's 5am and I can't sleep. I woke up at 4, after having trouble getting to sleep in the first place. So I figured I would write something that I have been writing in my head for over a year: things I have learned or experienced because of depression. I will add to this over my life, I'm sure, but here's the beginning.

1) God's joy is the only fool-proof depression buster I know of
2) I am nothing without God
3) I am everything because of God
4) I am never alone, ever
5) Even the darkest and loneliest times I know of, I am still alive because of God's goodness
6) Other people do care
7) God loves me, not because He has to, but because He wants to
8) Depression causes lack of sleep and unhealthy weight loss :(
9) My life story is not my own, but God's that He has chosen to write through me fr the betterment of the people around me
10) If I don't tell my story, I defeat the purpose of surviving it
11) Suicide is not the answer, there is a hope and a way out
12) More people have been through depression than I know or can imagine, it's not just an "emo" problem
13) Sometimes, depression has no reason, that's when it's most frustrating
14) Depression blows everything out of proportion
15) It's not as bad as it seems
16) Psalm 139:14 - Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
17) Jeremiah 29;11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
18) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
19) There is a purpose and a plan, I just have to wait and see
20) I am worth more than I think I am
21) I am my harshest critic, no one scrutinizes me like I do
22) I am not a burden to others
23) It's okay to have a problem and a need
24) Psalms is the best book of the Bible ever
25) Music expresses what words cannot

Well, that's it for now. I know there is more, but this is a start, and it motivates me to continue looking for more lessons in struggles, whether they be with depression or with anything else.

God's Plan for Your Mate

I guess God's no dummy. I have been considering starting dating, since I'm going to college next year and all. It seems logical and something I should probably start doing if I ever want to find the person I want to marry. Or it did, until last night at youth group, where our youth pastor, Wes, was talking about relationships. Now I'm not going to give too much away, since I was instructed not to and it will be talked in more detail next week, but I'll tell you about yesterday.

One thing he said was that dating (the type where you are in several serious relationships one after another) is practicing for divorce, not marriage. I never thought about that, but it makes sense because you are practicing leaving someone when the relationship gets rough instead of working out your problems. In the 1950's, dating became popular. Now, just over a generation later, the divorce rate is at over 50%. I don't think that's a coincidence, and something that needs to be considered wen I do start dating (I'll probably postpone that time).

Another thing is that if you don't do anything physically with someone "to find out if they're any good" ever, then you'll have no one to compare to and you'll be perfectly happy with who you end up marrying. I definitely think this is how God designed it. It just makes sense this way. Luckily for me, and whoever I end up marrying, I have never kissed anyone, let alone gone further, and I will keep it like that so I'll be perfectly satisfied with whoever he ends up being.

The third thing was praying for who you end up marrying. This is a brilliant idea! I don't know why people have never thought of it before (Wes got it from his wife, Sherry, and I don't know where she got it from. I should ask her.). You get to support someone spiritually and since you know (or should have an idea about) what you want in a guy/girl, you know exactly what to pray for. I personally want the person I'll marry to be the spiritual leader of the house. I don't want that responsibility, but I also know how hard it is in this society to be a guy who is faithful, strong, pure, honest, and a ton of other things they need to be to be rooted in God. So I can pray specifically for that. I can pray for health, good character, a kind heart, spiritual strength, and so many more things for him, knowing that I will eventually get to see what my prayers have become in someone.

The fourth thing was not something talked about in youth group, but something that was shown to me by Wes. I definitely want to talk about and it is an article entitled "On His Plan for Your Mate".

You can find it at: http://www.assistcpc.org/articles/mateplan.shtml

On His Plan For Your Mate

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait!

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satsifeid exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.

"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly, I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."

--Author Unknown

Isn't it incredible? I was amazed and I so wish I knew who wrote it. If you read it once quickly, go back and read it again, think about what it says, and think about how you date and why. I agree with Wes when I say that every single Christian should read this. It's short, simple, and impactful, and can change things. Sometimes the most inspiring things are the shortest.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

"My Own Enemy" by Thousand Foot Krutch

This is one of those songs I wouldn't like except for the message behind the music. I don't particularly love hard rock, like this song is, but I love what it says about me and people in general. I'm going to write out the lyrics with my thoughts on the lines/groups of lines.

Hold up
Oh no
Who let them in the door?
It’s like a freak show
Shake it like a photo (I don't realy understand this part. I didn't know that's what they say because it's hard to hear what the are saying)

Hate
Is only what you say
Not what you mean and
Pain
Is what’s inside of me
Now when you’re bleeding (talking about the pain the singer inflicts on others when he messes up, explained better in the next portion)

And I
Will fall
I’ll fall
And take your breath away (The singer messes up, he falls down and hurts others)
We
Could change
It all
And take your breath away (but the other side, when he doesn't fall and he is being changed by God, it's just as incredible and shocking)

This anger changes me
It affects the way I see
Affects every part of me
And makes you my enemy
But when it falls apart
It’s like a brand new start (forgiveness from God and others can feel like the most undeserved and selfless thing that can be given to him and he resolves to do better next time)
And I can’t remember why
I ripped everything apart (when the overreaction and anger ends, he can't figure out why he was even angry. I get that way so often, just steaming and somene asks me why and I can't even muster words that describe it, but when I finally do, it means nothing and was so petty and stupid, and sometimes doesn't have anything to do with the person I'm angry at.)

I’m still my worst enemy (this is true of me, whether it be my criticism of myself or my reaction to others, or even often a nasty combination of the two that makes others hurt and confused)
The world around me
All can see what they want to see (people who do not know me well could never guess I hold the meanness and acidity that I can sometimes)
I need some help because (don't we all?)
I’m still my worst enemy
No matter where I am (this problem goes with me and lives inside of me, it's not circumstances, it's me)
I'll still get the best of me
I’m my own enemy

Shake
The world inside of me
Until it can’t be shaken (change me until I am as changed as possible because I need it)
Wake
The words inside of me (God's words I have hidden in my heart that seem to disappear when I attack myself or others)
Before it’s all to late

And I
Will fall
I’ll fall
And take your breath away
We
Could change
It all
And take your breath away

This anger changes me
It affects the way I see
Affects every part of me
And makes you my enemy
But when it falls apart
It’s like a brand new start
And I can’t remember why
I ripped everything apart

I’m still my worst enemy
The world around me
All can see what they want to see
I need some help because
I’m still my worst enemy
No matter where I am
I'll still get the best of me
I’m my own enemy

I’m still my worst enemy
The world around me
All can see what they want to see
I need some help because
I’m still my worst enemy
No matter where I am
I'll still get the best of me
I’m my own enemy

Pretty incredible, and I always allow this song to remind me not to react, but rather to respond to situations. It makes things go more smoothly and allows me to be more calm.

Memory Verses

I have in the past few months felt the want/need to memorize Bible verses. And not just memorize, but categorize and apply to my life and know exactly where they come from in the Bible, the histroy surrounding them, and basically everything there is to know about any one verse in the Bible. This isn't too unusual for me, since I am curious, except for the fact that I don't normally like memorizing verses ever and I am not at all good at it. Which brings up another weird thing, I seem to be better at memorizing verses than I used to be. I have always known the importance of memorization, but have never seriously done it. Now that I am, I find it really cool to be able to use those verses whenever I need to. I only know a few extremely well (John 3:16, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 139:14, Romans 12:2, Psalm 119:11, and a few others, but the point is that I can count them), and there are several more that I can remember if reminded or if someone says it with me. I normally have a point to a blog, but really there is no point except memorize verses...so do it. A great place to start is the Psalms, the Prophet books, or the Gospels because they have great little one verse nuggets of knowledge that you can use.

I do this thing called "learning backwards". I learned it's effectiveness while in music, and the basic concept is going from what you don't know and going into what you do know. So to memorize John 3:16, you would start with "will not perish but have eternal life". After you memorized that, you would go onto "whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life", then "He gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life", and finally "For God so loved the world, that He gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.". It is very effective and allows you to grow more confident while you say something, rather than less confident as you go along. I love it and I use it for almost everything that I memorize. If you're having trouble doing it the old fashioned way, I definitely recommend this.

Sin Has Lost Its Power

Sin has lost it power
Death has lost its sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously

I love thise lyrics. They're from the song "Marvelous Light" by Charlie Hall and every time these lyrics play, I find encouragement and hope that definitely comes from beyond me. The rest of the song is pretty good, but the pre-chorus has the best lyrics I have ever heard. "Sin has lost its power" over me, which means those who sin against me, and when I sin against others or God. "Death has lost its sting" is just powerful by itself. "From the grave You've risen" was the proof that everyone wanted then and the evidence everything is based on now. "Victoriously" is the final outcome. We will be victorious in everything that we go against, if it is God's will, and if it isn't God's will, then we will still get something better from the loss than the win we thought we needed.

There are several times I have needed the reminder that God knows what's best and that what I want, whether it be winning (I can think of a ton of times I have felt that I "needed" to win and lost and found out it was for the better) or getting my way, or anything else, isn't always the best for me. But in the end, God will be victorious and I will be able to enjoy His victory, and it will be my own because I get the inheritence from Him that is promised. So His victory, no matter how painful or similar to a loss it seems, will be my victory.

Anyway, I listed a few lyrics, but here's the whole song:

Marvelous Light
By Charlie Hall

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way

I once was fatherless
A stranger with no hope
Your kindness wakened me
Wakened me from my sleep
Your love it beckons deeply
A call to come and die
By grace now I will come
Take this life, take Your Life

Sin has lost its power
Death has lost its sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way

My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free
My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free

Sin has lost its power
Death has lost its sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously

Sin has lost its power
Death has lost its sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way

Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh, the marvelous light, the marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh, the marvelous light, marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh, the marvelous light, marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin
See the light within

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross, You are the Truth
You are the Life, You are the Way