I am studying honor an shame this week in school and how the gospel is not just a message of being free from guilt (what we have emphasized in the western world) but also a gospel of being brought back to a position of honor from a position of shame. This is seen in such stories as the prodigal son and in Jesus' act of giving up his honor to die for us to be placed with Him in honor. This is totally recreating my view of salvation to one that is more complete and whole. It's not just about forgiveness and freedom from guilt, but a restoration of honor and position. Along with that, we then should act to maintain this honor or else we risk shaming those who associate with us (God). Wow.

(This post is a good example of what happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts...if I ever go crazy and start hearing or seeing things, you'll know where it started.)

Think back to the most influential time of your life. Maybe it was a good time, like when you met and dates your husband/wife or your first kid was born. Or maybe it was a very difficult time, whatever was most influential. Now imagine if you woke up tomorrow and everything you went through was just a dream. You remember it perfectly vividly, but it wasn't real, only something that you dreamed up one night.

What would you do?
How would life be different?
How would you respond?
Would the fact that it was a dream affect it's influence? In what way?

For me, the past almost 6 years have been extremely influential to who I am. Specifically, the relationships at my church have impacted me way more than anything else ever has. To wake up tomorrow and find out the people weren't real and the experiences weren't real would be devastating at first. I would feel miserable for at least several months. But then after that, I would have a choice. I could forget about it all and live like I would have before, or I could live with the realities that the dream showed me. I have been thinking about this for the past several hours, and I think I have more questions than answers. What would my relationship with God look like? Would I be able to rely on the experiences I had while dreaming? Or would my relationship be rewound and have to be rebuilt? Would I try and seek out relationships like I had while dreaming or would I close back off, like before? Would I have the life skills developed during this time or would I lose them because they hadn't been practiced in real life? There's more, too. I guess the best question is what would I do with this dream? Would I give up on it or seek to live it out in reality, allowing it to affect me despite the fact that it wasn't real. Hmm...

What about you? What would happen if the most influential times/people in your life were only a dream?

*Disclaimer: This post is not written by a rabid Apple fan. It is written by someone who has barely stuck her toes in Apple-infested waters. Therefore, there will be no "history of" or "it's like this product" speech.

How can something be both the most frustrating and impressive thing ever at the same time?

This past week, I got an iPhone 4s. Built into the software is a voice assistant called Siri. My iPhone has been with me constantly since I got it, mostly because I'm the type of person who needs things like calendars with them all the time or they'll forget. So Siri has been with me every waking moment of the last week...okay, and every sleeping moment, too, thanks to Sleep Cycle (at least she doesn't snore). Throughout this, I have found Siri to be the most frustrating and yet the most impressive voice-recognition software I have ever used (I normally hate voice-recognition software, by the way, because it's so inaccurate).

First of all, Siri does some things exceptionally well. Setting appointments and reminders, along with maps have all been amazingly simple. All I have to do is tell Siri what's going on and she'll do all the work for me. No more typing on that tiny prone-to-mistakes keyboard. Simple and effective. Siri is very good at this.

I have also been extremely impressed with Siri's ability to recognize what I am saying. It can relay word for word most of the time, and rarely have an issue. It also knows names very well, and has yet to mess anyone's name up that I have forced it to say.

The only thing I am extremely frustrated about is the texting. Oh. My. Gosh. It takes FOREVER to send any text message. And she repeats herself SO much. I heard the options the first time, okay?! Along with that, she doesn't like the words "umm", "uhh" or "err". All of them end up being things like "I am" or "you" or "are". And who says their text messages out loud anyway (and who says them perfectly without "umm" or "uhh"? Not me!)? Also, I have to throw in "period" when I want a period, "comma" when I want a comma, and "question mark" when I want one of those. Which means when I send a text message, I say something like this "Yeah comma that's fine period can you rescedule that for tomorrow question mark". And since I can't say that without an "umm" or two thrown in there, Siri types "Yeah, I am that's fine. I am can you reschedule it for I am tomrrrow?" Which means I have to go through several menus of options to get it to change the message to what I intended. It also doesn't like the word "review" which is one of it's options. Whenever I say that, it either thinks I'm saying "radio" or "reveal" and then it gets confused and I have to start all over again.

So, is it safer than texting and driving? Not really for me yet. It may be more safe as I get familiar with it, but for now, it's just as distracting as texting and gets me frustrated at the same time. Somehow, it makes things MORE unsafe. Good job, Siri.

Supposedly, it's going to learn the more I use it, so some of these problems may clear up, but for now, that's my opinion of Siri.

Sometimes, I can handle the idea of dealing with depression for the rest of my life and sometimes I can't. There are times I am confident that although it's hard, I've gotten this far and will be able to continue on. Sometimes, the idea of suffering for 1 more minute, let alone a lifetime, is impossible to accept.

I have been through 7 major depressive episodes in my life that I can count and recognize as such. There have possibly been more that I didn't know what to call at the time. But they say that with each successive one, the chance of another grows. So basically, with 7 in my past, I'm guaranteed to struggle forever with it.

But the thing is, it's not forever.

I got a tattoo in December and it's been a surprisingly spiritual experience. Those are supposed to be permanent. But mine isn't. Yes, I'll probably have it for as long as I'm on earth, but I won't have it forever. One day, I will die physically. And on that day, I will cease to have a tattoo anymore.

It's the same with depression. Yes, I'll probably have it for the rest of my life on earth, but I won't have it forever. When I finally get to heaven, I'll get to finally see everything without it and know that it's finally been defeated and the miracle of a cure will finally be mine to experience.

So until then, I look forward to that day, knowing that what seems like forever truly isn't.

Thank God for that!

Just trying out the Posterous app on my new iPhone 4s.

I had the most awkward handshake with the senior pastor of my church today.

I was meeting with Sherry discussing youth stuff, and he came to say goodbye to her, me, and Kelly, who were all there. (Kelly, by the way, was just waiting for a hug from Sherry). And so he said goodbye, and gave me a handshake in the process.

But he was talking to Kelly and I was talking to Sherry, so he didn't actually let go of my hand. I shook it a few more times, but he still didn't let go. At this point, I'm thinking "Do I let go? Would that be rude to drop his hand like something's wrong? Why isn't he loosening his grip? This is awkward!"

This goes on for like 30 seconds.

So, since he's still talking to Kelly and still holding onto my hand, kind of still shaking it a little, I turn and start talking to Sherry again.

And finally, he lets go.

Awkward.

Since today is the last day of 2011, I figured it would be a good time to write down and strategize what my 2012 New Year's Resolutions will be. Here's what I am thinking:

1. Stop calling myself stupid or idiot in my head or mumbling it. It's very unhealthy for me, and does nothing but make me feel bad. It needs to go. If I can, I'll also work on eliminating "failure", and instead say "mistake" or something like that, but that one is going to be a lot harder to do.

2. Get back into the habit of reading my Bible and praying daily, not just when I remember. Work has made things like this very difficult and I need to redouble my efforts to make sure I am spending time with God regularly. Right now, I'm not doing it enough.

3. Get back into memorizing Scripture. I loved doing it, and stopped for I don't know what reason. I just stopped. So I want to start again. I'll start by reviewing what I learned before and go from there.

4. Work on being more reliable. Starting work made everything like showing up on time to places and being prepared for things tough. I had no clue. It makes me more understanding of others who are not extremely reliable, since I used to get frustrated with them, but for me, it's abnormal to be so haphazard. It's stressing me out, too, so I need to get a grip on it.

5. Work out a Sabbath a little better. With school starting and working full time along with ministry and other things that will come my way, time is limited. But I think I can work in a day or even just half a day to pause and relax. I need it for myself, but I need to find out how to do it first.

6. Continue to make reading a priority in my life. I enjoy reading, and have started making it a priority, so I need to continue to do so. It's good for me.

7. Continue to work on my mental health. This is especially important as I head into what will probably be an extremely stressful semester. It's going to be exhausting and crazy and overwhelming. I want to keep myself emotionally healthy or I will never be able to pull it off.

Overall, most of these are things I am already working on and need to continue. Some are new, but most are just reminders. Anyway, what are your NY resolutions?

My foundations class I am taking this spring looks REALLY interesting. Based on the 19 books I had to get for it, we are covering philosophy, history, worldview, english, missions, Bible study, Christian living, and church history. Based on all that, it sounds like it is going to be a very challenging and insightful class. It's 6 units, which is huge, and will take a ton of work. But it looks like it is going to be worth the effort. I hope to blog on it as I go to record some of what I am learning through the class...if I can do that and work and go to school and do ministry. Lol! We'll see!

"More Than Useless" by Relient K

See video here.

I feel like I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I admit here while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted, like I've lost all my value
I can't find it
Not in the least bit
And I'm just scared
So scared that I'll fail You

And sometimes I think
That I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why
Well, I'm even here at all
But then, You assure me

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can
Do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life can give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late, look
In my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I'll bet
The regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

Sometimes, I think
That I'm not any good at all
Sometimes, I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then, You assure me

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once

I noticed I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it
I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me (without me)
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me (without me)
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time
It's my life
And my right to use it like I should
Like He would
For the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once

I am a poor boy, too, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,

I have no gift to bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,

That's fit to give a King, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,

Rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum

Shall I play for You, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,

On my drum?

 

Because seriously, I don't have much else to give.

For some reason, that's okay, though. You smile as I stumble and trip over my words. You delight in my efforts, no matter how feeble. And You hold me close when I cry in frustration. For reasons and in ways I can't understand, You love and sustain me. I am unworthy, yet You invite me to come and play with my whole heart, though it may end up sounding like a cacophony. I know Your favor is upon me, though at times I doubt. So I walk in what I know, not what I feel.

 

There are a lot of things I really want to say, but every time I try, I find that the posts I start come out being way too vulnerable, indecisive, and unaccurate. There are things that I shouldn't share for everyone to see. Yet, I find that there's no one I personally can talk to who would get it.

There is a deep contrast in me between excitement over good and fear and apprehension over the same good. Many things are going well, but there are many things going on. I wonder if I have what it takes to balance it all, and I wonder how it ended up being like this. I am terrified over my weaknesses and shortcomings, which I see so clearly. Yet I am inexplicably propelled to push past them and keep trying. I think I fail and falter more than I see things go well, but I can't give up. It's a weird time I'm in.

I'm sure part of my feelings are driven by my tendency to be emotional and overreact, and I think that I am overreacting a little (or a lot). But oh well.

This Advent season has been one of contrast for me. I've been struggling for about a month and a half with depression, gradually getting worse (oh so fun...), and yet everything around me is screaming how blessed I am and have been.

The people and things surrounding me have been absolutely filled to the brim with blessings and I definitely feel, more than anything else, blessed by them.

Blessed with people in my life who care about me.

Blessed with not only the things I need, but a lot of the things I want.

Blessed with opportunities and a job and the ability to follow my passions.

Blessed with income which helps me pay for things like school.

Blessed with medical insurance so I can afford things like counseling (which would be beyond my ability to pay without it).

And, most of all, blessed with the gift of a baby born in a manger over 2,000 years ago, who came to set us free and give us the very best God has for us.

I normally get depressed in winter, it's pretty normal for me. But I think this Christmas has been the first one I have truly enjoyed deeply despite that. Most of the time, my feelings steal what joy and excitement this season brings, but it hasn't been that way this year. God has continued to bless and smile on me despite my feelings, and I have begun to be able to look past them to the beauty of this season.

And I am blessed.

I have a calendar at work for 2012. Most of the time, by the beginning of the second week a month, the next month is pretty booked. I normally know about 2 weeks ahead of time what exactly the next month will look like. But that's not how it's been for January. It's past the second week of December, and the only thing I have written on the calendar for January 2012 is that I get the 2nd off of work. There's nothing else there. I have no plans for 2012 yet. The slate is empty.

November 1 of this year, I was already looking ahead to 2012 and was envisioning what it would look like. I was excited. It was going to be a great beginning of the year, unlike the past several, which have all been extremely difficult. But then things began to change, one by one, eliminating thing after thing, and utterly changing what 2012 will look like for me. I don't feel steady right now. I don't feel calm right now. I have been awake for many nights on end, pacing around my room, fearful, with my mind racing. I have gotten a total of 11 hours of sleep for the past three nights (4, 2, and 5 hours each night, and that's with the help of Benadryl). The week before that, I was getting 6 hours of sleep on average a night. It's been difficult.

Ironically, on Sunday, I will teach the junior highers at my church for what could possibly be the last time for at least a while. There's gonna be a new youth pastor soon (well, hopefully soon!), and depending on his or her plans and vision, I may or may not be able to be involved. I will definitely make it known that I want to be involved, but I don't get the final say in the matter and will have to go with whatever is decided. Anyway, it's ironic because I'm teaching on gratitude. My response to things like what has happened this past month and a half is almost always "It's not fair!" I never respond instantly with gratitude. One of the junior highers last Tuesday mentioned that there was a waiter she met once that had a tattoo of "It's not fair!" on the inside of her bottom lip. Wes made a joke about that being a tattoo I might get next (because I just got a tattoo last week), and I laughed and said it would definitely NOT be the tattoo I would get next. In my head, though, I thought that it would be the best description of how I typically respond to difficulty.

And now I'm teaching junior highers on gratitude. In a very difficult time of my life. When I am internally yelling at God and telling Him "It's not fair!"

I don't really get why things are the way they are. I don't understand why people go through what they go through, why dreams are broken, why plans are upset. But I do know God is taking the opportunity to break me a little and teach me a lot about my perceived control (and how little control I truly have), about gratitude, and about appreciating what I have, even if it's in the past.

Easy? No.

Good? The absolute best.

(On a side note, the tattoo I got also ties in with this. I got a tattoo of a fish and a cross, symbolizing Jesus. Why that? Because in all that changes in my life, only one thing remains solid, steady, and unchanging, and that's God and the work He's done in me through the blood of Jesus. When that becomes all you have left, it becomes much more sweet.)

I'm not sure what God is up to. But so far, I don't like it. I have watched for the past few months as relationship after relationship has moved on. It's been totally because of life circumstances, but why do they all have to happen at once? Just tonight I heard that my college group is switching nights, thereby making sure I won't be able to attend anymore. There goes another set of relationships. And at my church, I have seen several families I am good friends with leave, and I am fairly certain there is another family I am extremely close to leaving soon, and another one that I think has left, but hasn't made it official yet. I have gone from wandering around church on Sunday thinking about how I don't have enough time to talk to everyone I know to wandering around looking for someone I know, and when I don't see a family for a week or two I begin to panic, wondering if they've left, too. I'm having to say good bye to people all the time.

Like I said, I don't know what God is up to, but it hurts.

I think I'm at a time in my life where I should rethink and repost my testimony. I think the last time I did thias I was in high school and since then, my understanding of how my life has shaped me to be who I am in Christ has changed. I think in a few years, I will see differently how God has worked in my life, too. And I think that's a good thing because He's constantly giving me a chance to change my view on how my life has been. Brace yourself, because it's LONG...

Let's start from the beginning.

I was born on October 22, 1991, and lived with my mom and dad until just before I turned 5. I remember that early life being full of my parents fighting and not getting along. On September 10, 1996, my parents separated. From that point onward, I lived in two different houses going back and forth every other week (in theory, that was how it was supposed to work).

My parents' houses couldn't have been more different. My dad's house was extremely authoritarian, and he was an extreme perfectionist. Along with that he had bipolar disorder (not diagnosed until I was in high school) and serious anger issues. I never really knew who I would get for a father. Sometimes, he was depressed, extremely withdrawn, and slept all the time. Sometimes he was in a manic phase, which for him meant a lot of chores getting done and perfection demanded constantly. If his standards weren't met, then my brother and I faced his wrath, which included yelling, beatings, and being grounded. My dad strongly favored my brother, which made me feel inferior, and my brother feel superior to me.

My mother's house was vastly different. She was extremely permissive, in part because she knew my dad was so authoritarian. There were no rules and we basically did whatever we wanted. My mom favored me a lot because my dad favored my brother. Since my mom worked full time, we often took care of ourselves in a lot of ways, although when she was home, my mom was definitely involved in our lives.

In early elementary school, my dad did not good a great job of taking care of me. My mom would have to come by some mornings and get me ready for school because my dad didn't get up and help me get ready. There were also stretches of time where I lived with only my mom because my dad couldn't take care of me.

In later elementary school, my dad married the person who would be my step mom for the next several years of my life, and that began an extremely rocky marriage finally ending in a fiery divorce when I was in high school. My step mom was sort of my protector in some ways at my dad's house because he would tame his temper a lot to please her. That didn't stop my step sister from being removed from the house when she was in middle school for being hit by him.

I also started attending church when I was in 4th grade because my mom started going. Although I didn't fully get everything going on, I understood enough by 5th grade to know that Jesus was sent to save me from my mistakes, and that if I didn't say I believed in Him, I was going to go to hell. My church didn't preach damnation or anything, but for me, it was a pretty simple and straightforward choice.

My life kind of continued in the same fashion throughout elementary and middle school. I stopped going to church near the end of 8th grade because I could only go every other week and it was hard to make friends when I was only around sometimes (my dad didn't let me go to church). My step mom was into witchcraft, so I was getting a lot of mixed messages when it came to religion, too, so that kind of pulled me away from God.

I also, partially because of how I was treated at home, had the idea that there was something wrong with me and that God could not accept me the way I was, despite what the Christians told me. Although they said God loved me, I couldn't see how that was possible. Other people (and I) only saw the ways I was not living up to how I should be. I wasn't smart enoughh or good enough or wise enough or self-sufficient enough. I was not enough anything. I didn't know what to call it then, but later in life, I look back and realize I was dealing with an extremely low self-esteem and extreme depression. I basically hated myself and wanted to die throughout elementary school. I contemplated suicide as a way out, but knew that killing myself was still violating God's rules of "do not murder" and I thought I would go to hell because I would not have time to repent. That didn't stop me from begging God to end my life on many occasions. I didn't think God wanted me or had any purpose for me, so I didn't know why He didn't just remove me from the earth. That would make everyone's life better, wouldn't it?

One day, fed up with feeling like I was, I asked God to either kill me or show me that He did have a reason for me and that I really didn't want to die. So I set up a test. He was to put me in a situation where I nearly died, but actually survived and didn't get hurt.

A few months later, during labor day weekend of 7th grade, I went camping with my family. We went on a hike to a river where there was a 15 foot rock cliff we were jumping off of. The only thing about this rock cliff was that you actually had to jump because if you just stepped off, you wuld fall onto some really big rocks near the shore of the river that were only covered by a few inches of water. It would seriously hurt you, or kill you if you landed wrong, by landing on them. But with just a small jump, anyone who wanted to could clear the rocks easily. So I went up there, a brave little 7th grader and jumped off once. When I went back to try again, I hesitated and ended up slipping off the wet and slippery edge of the cliff, falling straight down to the rocks below. I seriously believe God intervened in that situation because I landed on my back with a giant rock a few inches above my head, one a few inches below my feet, and one on either side of me. That was the answer to the prayer I had prayed a few months before when I asked God to show me that I didn't really want to die.

You might think that solved all my problems with God, but it really only scrathed the surface. I still didn't know anything about God's love for me or what purpose He had. I felt cursed to a life on this earth full of misery and no hope for anything better. So, like I mentioned above, I stopped trying near the end of 8th grade.

In 9th grade, I did a little bit of partying, but looked at where I was heading with the partying scene when someone offered me a cigarette and realized this was not the life I wanted to live. So after spending a year partying, I was left near the end of 9th grade with no friends and nowhere to go.

In 10th grade my younger brother started middle school and met a friend there that he insisted was named David. Now that's not weird in and of itself, but it WAS weird that not only was his name David, he had two brothers named David and a dad named David. I didn't believe that anyone would name all their children David, so for a few months, I didn't believe his story about his friend. Well, when that friend invited him to go to a Wednesday night youth group where they would serve dinner beforehand, I decided it might be a good idea to go. Afterall, I heard the meal was good and I remembered youth group being fun when I was in middle school. I figured it would be better than sitting around my house all night. So I went. And went again. And went again. After a while, I started attending the Sunday service and started participating in various things around the church. In May of my 10th grade year, the church switched youth pastors.

My junior year, the youth group girls (including me) went to an event called The Revolve Tour. It was at this event that God's love finally began to make sense to me. It seemed throughout the whole day, I saw every one of my beliefs about God and me destroyed and replaced with ones of love. I had felt like God didn't care, but I was told He did. I felt like He had made a mistake, and I was told He hadn't. I felt like I could not ever be good enough for Him, and I was told I was. This message as it was presented there, was radically different from the one I had come to believe about myself. I walked away with a taste of God's love like I had never experienced before.

The only thing was, I didn't know if I could fully believe it. So I again tested God and asked for Him to prove to me that everything they had said about Him was true. Was He really my beloved Father? Was He really caring and loving? Did He really have a great plan for my life? I didn't know if I should get my hopes up or not. One of my favorite songs at the time was called "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle. One of the lines had to do with putting little white flowers in the little girl's hair, and I asked God to show me that He could be the Father I needed by doing the same thing for me.

On my 16th birthday a week later, I was opening presents, and one of them had a stick-on white flower decoration on it. One of my friends took it off the present after I had opened it and stuck it in my hair. I nearly started crying right in the middle of all the presents surrounding me. Somehow God planned out that someone would do that for me right at the time I needed it. In that moment, I realized that God does care and is really here and is truly my Abba, Father, and loves me beyond what I could fathom.

It's been 4 years since then and I still struggle sometimes with God's love for me. I still have depression and still doubt God at times, but all I ever need to do is look back at that moment and know that He's with me, even if I don't feel it and that He loves despite my doubt and failures.